Today walking home with Shay after dropping Joe off at school for kindergarten, I had a all of a sudden overwhelming feeling of peace, happiness, and strange but so wonderful feeling that everything is exactly as its supposed to be. It was odd, since, this feeling has not been a feeling I am accustomed to feeling. Since my father passed, life for me has been a constant whirl wind of doubt, fear, and unsettled, disgruntled, all mind occupying unhappiness.
In this moment I decided, I made it! I made it to that part of life, where you learn life is not about the big picture. The house, the car, the job, its not even about the way you were raised, what happened in the past or what might happen in your future. Its about this... this moment... its about walking your kids to school, its about sharing a cigarette with your sister in-law. Its about the simplest, mundane, ordinary, and seemingly insignificant moments in life. For these are the moments you will remember most. Silly you might think, but true! Such as the last memory I have, that I remember so fondly of my father. The night before he died, standing in the entry way to my living room, leaning on the wall, legs crossed at his ankles, arms crossed over his chest, head leaning on the wall, still covered in dirt from the day. Tired, and yet so peaceful looking. I remember a smile, such a sad, very unknown smile across his lips... as he looks at me, sitting on the couch, and says to me, for the final time, "good bye swirl, I love you". This moment this insignificant moment, I remember as if it were a movie clip I could watch over and over in mind. I can almost feel his presence in the room when I do.
My days are filled with the most perfect flawed moments that is insanity wrapped in such a beautiful most ever deceiving box. My children whom, I love and adore, are devils. They were sent here to test the very being of my inner person, drive me all the way to the edge of sanity as that of only a child born from monstrous blood can do! Yet, here I sit, glass of the most robust, flavorful, Cabernet to the left of the laptop, typing about my life, having just input in my monthly cycle tracker online, that guess what?! I am ovulating... cause while my children make me senselessly irrational. I am truly enthusiastically devoted to being a wife and mother, and hope so genuinely to conceive a girl soon. Does this make me nuts? They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a new result. I say, I very well know this choice to have another child, is the decision to bring another rowdy, unruly, temptress into this world. So I don't feel its nuts. More simply adventurous on my husband and I's part.
Sometimes, I feel that I may be a Eternal goldfish, for I know that raising a infant, was horrible. The endless nights, the crying, the colic, the diapers, the crying, the diapers, the spitting up, the diapers... But its as if I am numb to the hardship of it now. For I think of the nights I cried in bed, wishing my son would just sleep 10 min, as humorous... I remember him peeing uncontrollably when diaper removed as a joke in my memory. Its as if I am swimming around this world, and every time I get to the side I started while I remember being there its like a whole new adventure that I am so excited to take. Swimming around this lil bowl that is.
My glass of wine, almost gone now, a warmth in my belly... offering the sweet satisfaction this is, I have finished my first blog. :) Yay to me, and Yay till later!
BTW, I call myself Rockstar mom, for my energy to get through this Topsy Turvy Crazy life is a couple big cans of Rockstar a day! Giggle